Not sure how many times I’ll apologize for using all that I encounter when planning my sister’s wedding, but here’s another!
Relationships are the basis of our society. How we get along with other people can define who we are or at least who and what we have access to (to an extent.)
We all may like and need some time alone but for many, life can seem like a series of relationships.
Our parents and caregivers help form our view of the world. We learn how to deal with other people and understand how we relate to them.
As we grow, we make friendships and discover what we like and what we don’t care for. Many of us then make the decision to make a life with a partner. That can be an exciting time. It can also be daunting, especially if you are used to living life your own way.
That’s when compromise sets in. Sharing a life means adjusting to another person and their needs, likes, habits and dislikes. It works the other way too.
It can be a challenging learning curve. It may not work out. Still, you learn the lessons and after a while, you may decide to try again. We know there is an ‘ideal’ out there. So how can we make living together really work?
Is it possible to be who you are and do all the things you want and still share a life? Here are a few thoughts on how you can make it happen.
Routines
There are two or you. You may have become one nominally, but two people exist in this relationship. You both have lives outside that relationship. A key factor in keeping your relationship fresh is maintaining that outside balance.
After all, it is your life that has made you the lovable person you are. You may be all loved up at the start of a relationship, and that is fantastic. But a true tip for longevity is not to completely give up the existence you already have.
That doesn’t mean you don’t want to change a ‘singles lifestyle’ in terms of socializing. It means maintaining the interests and hobbies that have made you the person you are. Each of you will have your own worlds. Try and respect them.
Appreciate that little bit of independence. It will be like fresh air in a relationship and give it oxygen. It will make it stronger. You don’t have to do everything together!
Practicalities
Do you spring up out of bed every morning with a smile on your face ready to face the world?
If you don’t enjoy singing and dancing your way into the kitchen as a single person, you are unlikely to want to do that in your relationship! Grumpy sleepwalkers must compromise with early risers.
Finding out about another person can be fun. Being disappointed by the time they take to get it together might not be. The bathroom, for example, is a prime battleground. This may be why ‘his and her’ bathrooms regularly top wishful thinking lists.
Bathrooms tend to be small, pokey and very personal affairs. Sharing one is never going to be easy. We all like to have space to ourselves and leave it as we see fit.
Compromise can be harder if someone else is moving into your space. But compromise it must be. Divide up storage space and sit down and work out the best arrangements that are going to work for you both.
Early morning showers meet late night bathers. Agree to share the chores and the necessary routines that are involved in keeping any bathroom clean. Leaving it as you would like to find it, is a great way to lay down a mutual law.
Things that don’t seem to matter right now, like picking up someone else’s laundry and towels, for example, can become a source of resentment. It might not even occur to one person that the others habits are not appropriate.
Someone who has been used to being looked after might find it difficult to appreciate that you are not that person! Being unable to compromise might the perfect excuse for a bathroom renovation.
Sharing a kitchen
This is a huge part of sharing a life. What happens here is pivotal to the success of a relationship. If you have ever flat shared or been in student accommodation, you will know that some people have different expectations. It is an easy way to fall out!
But having said that you are a sensitive, mature adult with a broad view of life. Shopping, cooking and eating together is a rewarding area of any relationship. You get to explore another’s idea about food and cooking. Hopefully, you’ll be on the same page with some ideas and maybe totally different with others. That is perfect.
He may be a paleo diet aficionado who likes nothing more than a good cut of meat. She may be a veggie who loves her juices.There is room for both.
You might need to compromise.There might not be room on the kitchen worktop for the coffee machine as well as the herbal tea hot pot and brewing station. It is just a matter of respecting other people’s boundaries.
Make room for each other in the fridge.
Or get another more spacious fridge!. A separate shelf will help if you don’t want cross contamination of bacon or tofu, but share, explore, enjoy and respect each other’s needs. Agree on the washing up and what is acceptable to leave, in the mysterious ‘soak’.
Agree about what you are happy to face in the morning. Eat and let live. It can be fantastic to plan a meal and enjoy it together. But sometimes you might not be hungry and just want to do you own thing. That is fine too!
Sleeping arrangements.
You might not care too much at first. But you will. Getting a good night’s sleep is vital for both of you. Getting used to sleeping with another person can be a real challenge. Your body clocks may be different.
You will eventually fall into a routine, but bed huggers, diagonal sleepers and restless bodies are difficult to adjust to. One person can be hot while another wants the windows open. One is dead to the world while another lies awake clinging onto the edge of the bed. Sometimes it is not enough to say compromise.
The best way forward if you want to share a bed, is to get a bed that will accommodate you both. That means in terms of size. King size is bigger and better. But also, think in about comfort and individual needs.
The best solution is surely an investment in dual adjustable beds. Learn to respect the needs of your partner and have the best night’s sleep of your life.
If you like to stay up reading, then make sure that your light is not invasive. Find a way to deal with your own sleeping habits without compromising the needs of your significant other. Learning to enjoy your bedroom together can give you both a real shared sanctuary.
Be especially sensitive if you are moving into the established bedroom of a partner. This can be a great opportunity for a bedroom makeover that both of you can have a say in. Be wary about introducing tech or TV into someone else’s space. Talk about it and find out what will work for you both.
Leisure time
Learning to enjoy downtime together is one of the delights of a relationship. Around the house that might be the games room versus the living room or the home entertainment suite. It’s easy enough to adjust to another person here.
Hopefully, you’ll have interests that you share. They may well have brought you together in the first place.
It can also be great to have outside interests that will help keep your relationship fresh and allow you to be the person that you are. It takes time to get to know someone. One partner might love the book club for example, and another might want to head off on a mountain bike.
Obviously, if you share the interest, it will make things like planning weekends and trips away easier. Space can be an issue if you have a bike enthusiast for example who enjoys owning a selection of bikes and likes to work on them. But then that is what the garage workshop is for.
Bringing the outside world into your home
Most of all, you will be creating a home together. A place that will be shared by you but open to your wider circle of family and friends.
This will make your relationship wider and stronger. As you grow through the ups and downs of life, that bond will strengthen. Your home may extend into a garden and all that has to offer in terms of socialising.
You may even decide to take up gardening together and get into planting and growing. Your leisure time can be well rewarded making the most of outdoor spaces.
There is a great deal of satisfaction to be had from updating your yard and inviting friends neighbors and family over to enjoy a BBQ. You will not just be offering a plate of food and company. You will be offering the total of what you and your partner are both as individuals in your own right and as a couple. Learning to live together can be fun and deeply rewarding.
